Trauma Bonds Explained: How They Form & What You Can Do
- Lynn Catalano
- Mar 16
- 4 min read
Updated: Mar 28
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a toxic relationship, feeling like you can’t break free, even when you know it’s hurting you? You might be experiencing what’s known as a trauma bond. Trauma bonds are deep emotional connections that form between individuals in toxic or abusive relationships. These bonds are often confused with love or attachment, but they are rooted in manipulation, control, and abuse.
If you’ve ever felt trapped in a cycle of emotional pain, you’re not alone—and understanding trauma bonds could be the key to breaking free.
What Are Trauma Bonds?
A trauma bond is the connection between an abuser and their victim. It’s the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. This term wasn’t even coined until 1997 by Patrick Carnes, PhD, CAS.
It’s a psychological response to abusive or manipulative behavior, where the victim becomes emotionally attached to the abuser, despite the harm they endure.
The trauma bond often forms when there is a mix of positive and negative reinforcement.
For example, the abuser might show love, affection, or kindness at rare intervals, creating hope that the relationship can improve. This intermittent reinforcement—alternating between kindness and cruelty—reinforces the bond, making it even harder to break free.
Trauma bonds can occur in many different situations: romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, between siblings, work relationships and more.
How Trauma Bonds Form
Trauma bonds typically form when someone experiences a combination of emotional and psychological abuse, intermittent reinforcement,
and isolation.
Here’s how it generally happens:
Love Bombing - In the beginning, the abuser is charming, showering you with affection, compliments, and attention. This is called love bombing, and it makes you feel seen and appreciated. The extreme highs of this phase can cloud your judgment, making you feel like you’ve found a perfect partner.
Intermittent Reinforcement - Over time, the abuser may start showing controlling or abusive behaviors. This could be verbal abuse, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, or even physical harm. However, the abuse isn’t consistent. The abuser will go back and forth between cruelty and slight kindness giving you hope that things can go back to the way they were in the beginning.
Isolation and Dependency - Many trauma bonds are strengthened by isolation. The abuser may try to isolate you from friends and family, making you more dependent on them for emotional support. The fewer outside voices you have, the more you rely on the abuser for validation and love. This creates an unhealthy dependency, making it harder to recognize the toxic patterns and break free.
The Cycle of Hope and Despair
Each time the abuser switches from cruelty to kindness, you hold onto the hope that they can change. This back-and-forth reinforces the bond, leaving you emotionally hooked. You believe that if you just try hard enough, or if you’re good enough, the relationship will improve. I kept going back to my narcissist, over and over again, thinking I could make the relationship work. In reality, the abuser may never truly change, but your mind becomes trapped in this false cycle of hope and despair. This is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle.
Conclusion
Trauma bonds are incredibly powerful, and breaking free from them is a process that takes time, self-reflection, and support. It’s important to remember that your feelings are valid, and healing is possible. If you find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship, know that you deserve love, respect, and kindness—without the emotional rollercoaster of abuse.
Trauma bonds are nothing to be ashamed of, as they result from our brains looking for survival methods.
I developed a course specifically to show you how to break your trauma bonds for good because these bonds are so powerful. This course takes away the financial obstacle of working with a narcissistic abuse recovery coach one-on-one, while still giving you the clarity, validation, and strategies to begin your recovery. Right now, I have a special promotion with code LUCKY10 on both of my courses.
Remember: You are not alone.
Help is available, and the first step toward healing is acknowledging the bond and seeking the support you need to break free. With time, and my help, you can reclaim your independence and create healthier relationships moving forward.
You can't do this alone. I can help you.
Work with me one-on-one or take one of my courses.
You are the most important project you’ll ever work on. It’s time to invest in yourself the way you’ve invest in everyone else. Let’s start now.
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