Safety, Security & Calm
All I want in any relationship is calm. A sense of safety, and security comes from that calm. I know I can depend on my partner and he can depend on me. Narcissists thrive in the opposite environment. They love chaos, confusion and undependability. They told you they would take you to the airport tomorrow, surprise they decided to leave early without telling you. They told you they would financially support their grandchild’s college education, surprise – they changed their mind. They will not be doing that. They were supposed to stay at your house throughout their visit, surprise – they are leaving today, without telling you. This is the regular behavior of someone who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. They have no care or concern for anyone but themselves. They are completely tuned in to how other people make them feel: jealous, angry, vengeful but not to the opposite. They quite simply don’t care how they affect anyone else.
Walking on Eggshells
My whole life I observed my mother walk on eggshells so as not to trigger my father’s unpredictable behavior. She had learned some of the cues, some signs but it demanded her constant vigilance. She had also mastered the technique of talking him down from the impending storm. “You are so smart. Those people (that organization) don’t deserve you. What would they do without you? No one does it like you do. You are incredible. No one puts on a show, parade, or event like you do.” This must have been exhausting for her, day in, day out.
While I didn’t know there was a term for what my father suffered, I knew I could never be with someone like him. I married someone who is the polar opposite of my father. I learned, soon after my mother passed away, that I couldn’t depend on my father for anything. This was a hard lesson to learn as I didn’t want to believe it. But there he was disappointing me again and again.
Narcissists create chaos to regain control
Control is always of utmost importance to them. They will do anything to get it.
These people are not the charming, honest, goodhearted people they pretend to be. They are immature, insecure, abusive people who are terrified of exposure.
I once had a client describe her narcissist as someone with chaos swirling around them. Narcissists need to maintain their image of being very important people, always in charge and busy. Anytime you asked my father how he was, his answer was always “busy.” Even after he was retired, he needed you to understand he was very busy. This was his way of telling his family he was too busy to be involved.
If there isn't chaos, narcissists will create it
Narcissists will actually manufacture the chaos and confusion if there isn’t any.
1. Instigate crazymaking arguments
2. Ruin holidays & special occasions
3. Provoke jealousy & use triangulation
4. Give you the Silent Treatment
5. Steal your time & energy
My father did all of these things to me. Now I coach people who are experiencing these same things. The gift people with narcissistic personality disorder give us is their consistency. This helps us learn who they are, their red flags, and how to avoid them going forward.
Coaching people 1:1 I help people do all three. I’ve found that survivors of narcissistic abuse need to experience clarity, validation, and comfort. For those of you who are looking for a quick fix to this problem, you didn’t get here overnight. You’re going to need to do the work to survive narcissistic abuse.
I help people begin their healing journey after surviving narcissistic abuse. I give you strategies that will help protect your mental and emotional health as well as navigate narcissists or any high-conflict people you may encounter. This is why it’s so critical to talk to someone. But not just anyone. You need to find someone who’s familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. You see, I didn’t get here by accident. I didn't set out to become a narcissistic abuse recovery coach. But after I’d suffered this kind of abuse, I realized that my story and my experience could help so many people who’ve suffered similarly. When someone tells me about their struggles and their story, I’m not just understanding. I really get it. I’ve been there. I’ve felt those same emotions, that same rage, and loss.
Learn more about me here: https://buff.ly/3wf6tgQ
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