Narcissists need to not be wrong
What do narcissists need more than the narcissistic supply that serves as their oxygen? They just can’t be wrong or blamed or criticized.
Narcissists have low emotional intelligence
Since narcissists can’t regulate their emotions, they can’t process criticism, failure, or defeat in a normal way. Their reactions to crisis or controversy are not normal so their go-to reaction is to go into a narcissistic rage storm. Sometimes this results in the Silent Treatment or a loud screaming tantrum. This is especially so if they’re without their narcissistic supply to comfort them. Narcissistic supply is the praise, envy, and recognition they need to function.
In my mini training, I share with you all the reasons why arguing with a narcissist is a completely different experience from regular relationship quarrels. I also give you practical strategies to co-exist with your narcissist, if you must. Check out my mini training here.
What happens when you confront them?
When a narcissist hears someone express some form of blame to them, they don’t hear they hurt someone they love. They hear it as a criticism. They hear it as it’s their fault. They don’t want to talk about anything that could possibly be their fault.
I wrote about this in my book “Wrecking Ball Relationships: How to Identify, Live With or Leave the Narcissist in Your Life.”
“This doesn’t work with everyone. I had a friend in law school I’ll call Rachel. I thought she was a good friend throughout the three years. In our last year, I became friends with other classmates. I didn’t see it at the time, but this made Rachel upset. She was jealous. Instead of expressing her feelings, she acted out, like a toddler. When I was with these other friends, Rachel would come up and start taking shots at me, for laughs. “We all know Lynn’s so dumb about this subject, right guys?” she would say.
I was offended, actually livid. I’d never exhibit this behavior toward her. I’d never attempt to embarrass a friend in public, not my style. I decided to let it lie until after the bar exam. I had to compartmentalize my reaction. I couldn’t spend time analyzing the relationship and meeting with her to discuss it. I had to study. After the bar, I made a lunch date with Rachel to see her and discuss what happened. Amazingly, she reacted how my father would react in years to come. She got quiet and said little, no response. The energy at the table became uncomfortable. We said our goodbyes and I never heard from her again. I guess it wasn’t a relationship worth saving.”
Once you understand the narcissist, you know nothing is about you. It’s always, always about them. Your pain is meaningless. Your success is meaningless unless it competes with them. They’re always in competition with everyone else.
I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse and now I coach people on their healing journey. I have purpose in what I'm doing. I give people clarity, validation & comfort.
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