People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder need to have control over every situation and person in their life.
What’s Withholding?
Withholding is a powerful, nasty, tool of manipulation that narcissists use to punish you. Sometimes you don’t even know what you did wrong.
What are examples of things narcissists withhold from you?
Sex
Conversation
Information
Money
Intimacy
Any kind of affection
Narcissists will withhold anything and everything from you if they know you want it just to be in control. They purposely withhold to hurt you. They like starving you of what you desire most. By withholding, they feel like more of an authority, more powerful, and more in control. They want to condition you to follow their directions and stop doing whatever triggered them. This sudden withholding of intimacy, affection, and attention is painful, disturbing, and unsettling to the victim.
Withholding is a manipulation tactic narcissists use on their victims. This tactic terrorizes their victims and inevitably destroys their sense of personal security. This is another way narcissists need to control everything including what they give you. They use this tactic to punish and control you. They withhold money, conversation, sex, intimacy, and all forms of affection.
I had a client whose spouse would not engage in any form of affection at all. It was such a severe form of punishment. The spouse wouldn’t speak to him or acknowledge him at all. This marriage ended as it was not sustainable.
Part of narcissistic personality disorder is an intense feeling of being out of control. As a coping mechanism, narcissists need to control everything about their relationship, their situation and others because they feel out of control. Narcissists are deeply rooted in insecurity and can’t accept or endure any criticism or rejection.
Coercive Control
My father started threatening to disinherit me in 2016. This is how narcissistic parents operate. They try any means necessary to control you. They use whatever means necessary to control their children which could be dangled as a carrot or withheld. It didn’t matter that my father would have long bouts of the Silent Treatment. It didn’t matter that he was always in competition with me. It really didn’t matter that he only wanted me around when he needed me for his image.
Children of narcissists often endure severe psychological maltreatment, as their parents employ behaviors like bullying, terrorizing, coercive control, insults, demands, and threats to keep them compliant.
When the narcissist loses power over their children they will resort to some ugly, low, and underhanded method to control their children. This is actually a common occurrence with adult children. The narcissist begins to threaten disinheritance, financial separation, and more.
Discovering who my father really was, that he didn’t love me, was the worst thing. Learning he was a pathological liar, a cheater and more has been awful.
CAUTIONARY CAVEAT
If you suspect that your partner or spouse is financially abusive, reach out for help right away. Financial abuse is not something that gets better with time. In fact, it often escalates and can lead to other types of abuse.
Talk to someone: friends, family members, clergy, counselors, or therapists, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance. There are also organizations like The Center for Hope of WNY - 716-955-9658 for hope, help and healing from narcissistic abuse. The best thing you can do is to address this right away.
Power & Control
It always comes down to power and control. When the narcissist feels like they can no longer control you, then they will try to control the narrative and attack you. Their fragile sense of self-esteem has been threatened and they respond with this defense mechanism. It’s their way of manipulating the narrative to portray you as the villain.
I know I wasn’t paying attention to how the relationship affected me. If you do nothing, if you don’t address this trauma, it will bleed into every aspect of your life affecting how you show up for everything. The trauma takes a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health. I know at the worst points in my relationship with my father, I had terrible insomnia, gastrointestinal problems, skin reactions, and more. This is why it’s so critical to talk to someone. But not just anyone. You need to find someone who’s familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. You see, I didn’t get here by accident. I didn't set out to become a narcissistic abuse recovery coach. But after I’d suffered this kind of abuse, I realized that my story and my experience could help so many people who’ve suffered similarly. When someone tells me about their struggles and their story, I’m not just understanding. I really get it. I’ve been there. I’ve felt those same emotions, that same rage, and loss.
Narcissists leave you suspended in time, hanging there, hoping they will show you the love, affection, or whatever they’re withholding from you. I know I’ve waited and waited and hoped my narcissist would realize what he was doing. But that never happened.
When they withhold something from you, you’re left feeling that you’ve done something to trigger this behavior, that somehow you deserve this awful treatment. You don’t deserve it and you didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t about you or anything you did. The other person suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and this is their dysfunctional pattern of behavior.
When will enough be enough for you?
Are you trapped in the cycle of a toxic relationship with a narcissist? The damage is real, and it's time to break free. You can't afford not to know the truth about trauma bonds. You can't afford not to know. The cost of staying in a damaging relationship is too high. Emotionally, mentally, and physically continuing in this cycle can devastate every aspect of your life. This isn't just another course; this is your lifeline.
The damaging effects continuing in a trauma bond with a narcissist is like living in a nightmare you can't wake up from. Everyday, you're losing a part of yourself. The longer you stay, the deeper the scars. It's time to put an end to the suffering. The toll on your brain, body, and mental health: prolonged exposure to narcissistic abuse rewires your brain. It disrupts your ability to think clearly, make decisions, and process emotions.
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