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Narcissists love secrets

Secrets are like currency to them

Narcissists use secrets as needed – collateral, leverage, or just manipulation. They collect secrets as they go along, never knowing when or if they will need to use them.

My father loved secrets. He loved learning who was having an extramarital affair or who had a drug habit. I know one local successful businessman who had political aspirations after he sold his business. He approached my father for his advice, as my father had been involved in local politics for more than the last 50 years. He still had many connections.

This man expressed an interest in running for office. My father listened to him. I’m sure my father told him that he would support his political aspirations. Narcissists are liars and they lie about everything.

Later, my father proudly told me how this businessman had asked him for his advice on running for office. Then my father told me how he knew this man had a drug habit in his past. He didn’t tell me how he knew this to be true. My father went on to say that he informed everyone involved in local town politics that this businessman wasn’t fit to run and why. My father sabotaged this man’s political future and the businessman has no idea why he wasn’t supported.

I often ask my clients – what’s the end game? What was my father’s end game here in destroying this businessman’s aspirations? It was probably the intense high my father got in possessing information that other people do not know. It’s a power play to hoard this kind of information and it made my father feel more important than he was in reality.

In order to feel safe narcissists need to control other people, including their beliefs, feelings, and actions.


Narcissists withhold information because it makes you easier to control and manipulate.

I wrote about withholding in a previous blog:

“Narcissists will withhold anything and everything from you if they know you want it just to be in control. They purposely withhold to hurt you. They like starving you of what you desire most. By withholding, they feel like more of an authority, more powerful, and more in control. They want to condition you to follow their directions and stop doing whatever triggered them.”

Secrets give narcissists power

Narcissists are naturally very secretive. They enjoy keeping secrets from you and using them to their own benefit. Secrets help them maintain a sense of control and a sense of superiority. Secrets give them power so they can abuse and exploit people for their benefit.

In order to understand the mind of a narcissist, consider they are deeply rooted in insecurity and low self-esteem. They use other people’s downfalls to make themselves feel better. Very sad.

I know I wasn’t paying attention to how the relationship affected me. If you do nothing, if you don’t address this trauma, it will bleed into every aspect of your life affecting how you show up for everything. The trauma takes a toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health. I know at the worst points in my relationship with my father, I had terrible insomnia, gastrointestinal problems, skin reactions, and more. This is why it’s so critical to talk to someone. But not just anyone. You need to find someone who’s familiar with narcissistic personality disorder. You see, I didn’t get here by accident. I didn't set out to become a narcissistic abuse recovery coach. But after I’d suffered this kind of abuse, I realized that my story and my experience could help so many people who’ve suffered similarly. When someone tells me about their struggles and their story, I’m not just understanding. I really get it. I’ve been there. I’ve felt those same emotions, that same rage, and loss.

I can help you.

Don’t suffer in silence from narcissistic abuse, let’s talk. Click here to book a free session with me. Don’t wait another day.

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