When the day arrives, you find yourself in shock and grief, and on top of that it’s really cruel what people say. Why are people making assumptions about things they know nothing about?
The correct thing to say to anyone is to simply pay their condolences. Say “I’m sorry for your loss.” Period. Hard stop. Nothing else is needed. Please don’t use words like “complicated, difficult, challenged.”
Does judging me make you feel better about yourself?
Jewish tradition says we can't judge someone "unless we've arrived in his or her place." And since we can never be in exactly the same place and life circumstance as another person, we are never allowed to judge anyone.
Just know you truly have no idea as to what actually transpired. Or perhaps you’ve only heard one side. It’s ok, though, it’s not up for public debate. This was my life. I did not choose it.
What should you expect if this happens to you?
Expect a mixed bag of awkward, uncomfortable statements that are more of a reflection of the giver than of you. Just smile, nod your head, and say “thank you.”
Don’t react. Don’t ask the awkward person why they would say such a thing. Breathe. Draw on your inner resources and feel gratitude for all those people in your life who love you.
I write this post in the hopes of helping someone going through a similar experience.
Some people have been so thoughtful in their choice of words. They sent comfort, strength, love, and light.
People carry their trauma in different ways
Today, I coach people who’ve suffered similarly. I give strategies to protect your mental and emotional health. This type of emotional abuse causes immense post-traumatic stress causing you to question your own sanity. Funny, people will rarely ask if you’re ok. I think we need to normalize caring about people and asking them that question. Show kindness.
I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse and now I coach people on their healing journey. Talking to someone about your trauma helps enormously. Talking to someone who’s experienced the same type of abuse provides both comfort and relief. This is an isolating experience. You can’t help but feel very alone. You aren’t. You didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment. It’s not your fault.
Learn more about me here: https://buff.ly/3wf6tgQ
Click here to book a free session with me. We’ll figure out if we work well together.