Toxic Attraction Like Moths to a Flame: Empaths & Narcissists
- Lynn Catalano
- Apr 27
- 5 min read
Are you in a toxic relationship?
If you've ever found yourself in a relationship where you constantly gave and gave, only to feel drained, unappreciated, and confused, you may have been involved with a narcissist. Why are empaths drawn to narcissists? This is such an often asked question that this month’s episode of The Narcissist Slayers podcast discussed it. Listen to it here. Narcissists and empaths are often drawn to one another in a way that seems inevitable, like a moth to a flame. On the surface, this attraction might seem curious—after all, they are opposites in many ways. But the pull is undeniable, and the dynamic is a toxic one. Here’s why.
Empaths' Compassion Meets Narcissists’ Need for Validation
Empaths and narcissists attract because of empaths’ innate desire to heal others satisfies the emotional needs of narcissists. This dynamic allows them to meet each other’s needs despite the unhealthy relationship.
Empaths are naturally compassionate. They have a deep sensitivity to others’ emotions and a strong desire to help and heal.
This caring nature makes them particularly susceptible to narcissists, who are skilled at identifying these traits and exploiting them. Narcissists thrive on attention, admiration, and validation, and empaths, with their innate desire to nurture and understand, often give these things without hesitation.
For the narcissist, this is like an all-you-can eat buffet of narcissistic supply. They feed off the empath's energy, absorbing all the care and adoration they can get, while giving little in return. What begins as a seemingly supportive connection turns into a one-sided relationship where the empath becomes drained, and the narcissist becomes more and more inflated in their sense of self.
Narcissists' Need for Control vs. Empaths' Tendency to Care
At the core of narcissism is a desperate need for control. Narcissists want things their way, and they will go to great lengths to maintain their dominance in relationships. Since empaths tend to be highly attuned to the feelings and needs of others, narcissists can manipulate this trait to maintain control. An empath’s natural instinct is to avoid conflict and keep the peace, which makes it easy for the narcissist to bend them to their will.
Narcissists are not capable of truly understanding emotions on a deep level, which is where the empath’s emotional intelligence becomes a tool for manipulation. The narcissist doesn’t just want admiration; they want to control and reshape their surroundings, including the people in their life. Unfortunately, empaths often end up as pawns in this game.
Validation and the Cycle of Emotional Dependency
Empaths may not even realize it, but they often offer constant validation to the narcissist, simply through their willingness to listen, empathize, and try to fix things. Narcissists, who crave constant admiration and approval to maintain their inflated ego, thrive on this validation. The problem? This validation is never enough. No matter how much attention and support the empath gives, it is never enough for the narcissist, and they’ll demand more, leaving the empath feeling depleted.
The Role of Giver and Taker
The dynamic between an empath and a narcissist is almost always one of giver and taker. The empath gives love, energy, and care without question, while the narcissist takes it all without offering anything of substance in return. This imbalance isn’t just frustrating; it’s exhausting. The empath begins to feel as though they’re constantly running on empty, while the narcissist’s ego becomes inflated, making them even more demanding and difficult to deal with.
The empath may even end up absorbing the narcissist’s emotional turmoil—feeling responsible for the narcissist’s happiness and well-being, but never receiving the same in return. This role is a recipe for long-term burnout.
Empaths’ Tendency to See the Good in People
Empaths have a unique ability to see the potential for good in everyone. They can look past toxic behaviors and try to "fix" or "save" others. This quality is what makes them so attractive to narcissists, who often hide behind a mask of charm and manipulation. The empath’s instinct to believe in the best of people, to see their potential, makes it easier for the narcissist to hide their true nature and keep the empath trapped in a cycle of hope and disappointment.
Empaths are often reluctant to accept that the narcissist may never change. Instead, they continue to rationalize their toxic behaviors, hoping things will improve. Unfortunately, this only enables the narcissist’s manipulation and prevents the empath from breaking free.
The Danger of the Cycle
So why do empaths keep getting drawn to narcissists? Simply put, it’s a pattern of attraction where the empath’s need to care and fix people gets taken advantage of by the narcissist’s insatiable need for validation and control. The empath feels drawn to help, while the narcissist feels empowered by the control they have over the empath. This can create an emotionally chaotic dynamic, leaving the empath feeling emotionally and physically drained.
If you’re an empath who has found yourself in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, it’s crucial to break the cycle. Healing begins by recognizing the pattern and learning how to protect your energy and set boundaries. If you don’t, you risk carrying the wounds of narcissistic abuse into future relationships.
Dealing with a narcissist is a toxic tango that’s always difficult. To manage a situation with a narcissist, setting firm boundaries, getting an outsider’s perspective, and not giving in to their false realities are great places to start.
Conclusion
Narcissists and empaths form a toxic, yet magnetic attraction because their psychological needs are in conflict. The relationship between a narcissist and an empath is unbalanced, with one partner giving endlessly while the other takes without limit.
While the narcissist craves validation and control, the empath offers it unconditionally. If you don’t do the necessary work to recognize these patterns and heal, you may continue to attract narcissists, leading you down the same painful path. But the good news is, with awareness and healing, you can break free and start building healthier, more balanced relationships.
If you’re ready to break free from your narcissist,
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