Do’s and Don’ts for Supporting a Loved One After Narcissistic Abuse
- Lynn Catalano
- May 11
- 5 min read
Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a deeply traumatic form of psychological and emotional manipulation that can leave long-lasting scars. Survivors often feel isolated, confused, and invalidated, especially because narcissistic abuse tends to be covert and hard to explain. Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be challenging and stressful. Although it may take time, healing is possible through some of these methods.
If someone you love has been through this experience, your support can make a life-changing difference.
Here are the Don’ts:
DON’T Tell them “You have to leave.”
The unfortunate reality is that leaving is not always a practical or even safe decision, or sometimes an option. Practical reasons someone might need to stay may be financial dependence or health insurance. The other major fear of leaving always has to do with the possibility of violence.
DON’T Give Them Toxic Positivity
Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “Just focus on the good” can feel dismissive. Instead, acknowledge their pain and say things like:
“I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I’m here for you.”
DON’T Support Them By Taking Control
It can be tempting to “rescue” your loved one, but that can echo the controlling dynamics they just escaped. Instead of making decisions for them, empower them to rebuild their own voice and sense of agency.
Try asking:
“How can I support you in this moment?”“Would it help if I came with you to that appointment?”
DON’T Villainize Them for Relapsing
Survivors often go back to their abuser before finally leaving for good — on average, 7 times. This can be frustrating to watch, but they need support, not shame. Stay compassionate and remind them they deserve better.
Here are the DO’S to Support Your Loved One:
DO Believe Them Without Question
Narcissistic abuse doesn’t always leave visible bruises. Survivors are often gaslit into questioning their own reality, so having someone say “I believe you” can be incredibly validating. Don’t minimize their experiences or ask, “Are you sure it was that bad?” Just listen and affirm.
DO Learn the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
Take the time to educate yourself. Learn about tactics like:
Gaslighting
Love bombing
Triangulation
Silent treatment
Smear campaigns
Understanding these dynamics helps you avoid unintentionally reinforcing the abuser’s narrative and shows that you care enough to do the work.
DO Respect Their Boundaries
After abuse, survivors often struggle with boundaries — either clinging to them rigidly or not setting them at all. Support their right to say no, disconnect, or process things slowly. Let them set the pace for conversations and healing.
DO Be Patient — Healing Takes Time
Healing from long-term trauma takes times. Narcissistic abuse often rewires a person’s self-worth, identity, and trust in others. They may doubt themselves, defend their abuser, or struggle with guilt. These are all normal trauma responses. Your job is to hold space, not rush them to “get over it.” Give them some grace.
DO Encourage Professional Support
Coaches fluent in narcissistic abuse and therapists trained in trauma and emotional abuse can be a crucial part of healing. Gently suggest it if they’re open, but don’t pressure.
DO Be a Safe Space
Your relationship can help rewrite their understanding of what love and safety feel like. Show up consistently, speak honestly, and hold their story with tenderness and confidentiality.
YOU are Their Support System
Loved ones play an essential role in helping victims successfully heal from narcissistic abuse and give victims a better chance at a positive outcome.
I wrote about this in my book “Wrecking Ball Relationships: How to Identify, Live With or Leave the Narcissist in Your Life.”
“One of the coping strategies I talk about is to find your beacon of light, your support network. I’m grateful for my husband, Joseph, and his countless hours of listening. He only gave me his opinion if it was requested. I’m also grateful to my support network who listened to me, cried with me, and hugged me (lots). Your friends and family will often serve as your beacon to shine a light, as this behavior isn’t normal. They will become outraged along with you, which is both comforting and empowering. Narcissists like to isolate you from your people. They don’t want you telling anyone about their abusive ways. They need to control the narrative, so their image remains untarnished.
A lighthouse is a metaphor that represents a beacon of hope as it guides the way for vessels at sea. In any kind of toxic relationship, it’s critical for you to find these amazing non-judgmental people who will listen and express empathy for what you’re enduring. I
Shine a light on the path to healing.”
Final Thoughts
Being an ally isn’t about fixing someone — it’s about walking beside them while they do the hard work of reclaiming themselves. Your empathy, patience, and presence matter more than you know.
If someone you care about is recovering from narcissistic abuse, your belief in them might be the first safe truth they’ve heard in a long time.
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Conclusion
Whether you were impacted by a narcissistic partner, parent, boss, or friend—your experience is real, and your healing is possible.
Understanding the difference between narcissism and NPD is just the beginning. Let the next step in your recovery be one of intention, support, and empowerment.
Resources for Recovery:
If you’re ready to break free from your narcissist, enroll in the Break the Toxic Cycle of Abuse – Trauma Bonds course and start transforming your life today!
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